Final wrap up on my infertility

I just realized that I never did a final post on this blog, my infertility blog. This blog kept me going through many tough times as we TTC’d.

In September of 2014, I had a hysterectomy as the pain of Adenomyosis took over my life. I will continue to have Endometriosis and working through some Pelvic Floor therapy as I get used to my new body, but the pain is gone. The heavy bleeding is gone. And at last, we have finally arrived at the true reason we could not have a baby- Adenomyosis. Much of the recent research on it has shown that it causes recurrent IVF failure, early miscarriages, ectopics and generally makes your life hell at some point.

But it’s gone now. Along with my uterus. I did keep one ovary so things don’t feel too different yet. And not having a period rules. But it was a tough transition.

I wanted to say.. if you have bad cramps, bad bleeding, have no explanation for your recurrent IVF failure, please look into Adenomyosis. It’s not easily diagnosed and often missed. But it can be behind everything.

And so here at the end of it all, years after we stopped trying, I know why I couldn’t have a baby. That does bring a certain sense of peace. As does not needing to worry about my cycle month to month. I will always be sad for the time we lost and the pain of not knowing what was happening, but I am glad to finally fully close that door. And so glad we didn’t waste any more money on IVF! We are happily parents through adoption once and hope to adopt again.

If you’d like to follow me at my new digs (which are no longer about infertility) you can find me at:

I will no longer be blogging here. But I’d like to keep it up as it might help somebody at some point.

Take care of you!


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Decisions, decisions. 

There’s been lots of decisions in our home lately. 

First off, we have decided, after much discussion and weighing of doctor’s opinions that we don’t have the emotional courage, at this point in our lives to continue TTC. Since I don’t have the option of just trying to have sex, I need to shut down my ovaries too (see more on that later.) This means, finally accepting that I will never give birth. I was probably 95% there already but now I am coming to the final stages of acceptance. As such, I think I need to take a break from all things infertility for awhile. This includes blogs about active cycling, groups that discuss cycling, and even taking a break from some of advocacy efforts.  I need to heal. I need to live my life without the spectre of infertility looming in… I really don’t even want to think about it any more. I want to live fully in the present. And for whatever reason, being caught up in the community was holding me back from my personal healing. Maybe it’s because I didn’t resolve my IF through IVF or IUI. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I have much advice to give. Maybe because I am just looking to turn over a new leaf. I need a break. I am not ready to say good-bye to this blog yet. Trying to decide what I will do with it. I have even considered turning it into a book. But I am not sure how to end said book yet, so that will need to be shelved for a little while. 


Second, other big life changes. I have felt like I have been in la-la-land for awhile with where I was personally headed. It’s another period of transition in our lives, probably the next 5 years. I would love to NOT be in a transition time in our lives for awhile, since IF did that to us for so long, and before that it was grad school… but here we are. The first thing that is going to happen is that we are going to start the process of adopting again, which brings with it, many emotions. Second, Pete is in the midst of completing grad school. Once that is over comes step 3. You have long heard me discuss wanting to move. Well, we are considering casting a wider net than a 15 minute radius. Once Pete has his new degree, we want to be open to living in a variety of places and job opportunities for him. We are really intrigued by the idea of starting somewhere new. And by that time, I will be looking to go back to work too and I am just now starting to consider if I need any more education or what’s next for me. We don’t love our house or school system but it’s just going to need to be a temporary situation for right now. Knowing that is making it somehow easier to stay here for now. (Though we are going to do some work to make the place more bearable. And hopefully further increase the amount of $ we can get for it as we are still under water.) 


Third, I will continue to blog at my other blog. It had been a blog about the adoption process and probably will continue to do so, and my daughter’s life as well. But, I am going to open it up and write more about life in general. (I may go back and password protect a few things as I transition.) Which may sometimes include Endometriosis. I no longer feel the need to keep this split. I feel like, for a while, I let the infertility define me. And for a while, it became about adoption/ building a family. And I just want to get back to being “Jess.” The person I am and was, affected by the beginning, middle and ending. And I can’t do that keeping one foot in the past. 


So while some of these things are internal changes, they are affecting my internet presence, as it were, and shaping who I am and where I am headed. I wish all of my followers the best, and please feel free to follow me at

 You can even choose to have my posts emailed to you by WordPress when I make them….

Take care for now, wherever you are on Life’s Journey. 

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Welcome, ICLW reader!

I’ve been a part of this blogging community for many years now. But once again, I find myself in the actively TTC position, and I miss the comraderie and commenting that used to seem more commonplace!

So here’s a bit about my history:

Started TTC 8.5 years ago, started ART about 7.5 years ago

– 11 IUI

– 4 IVF

– 3 miscarriages (furthest was 6 weeks)

– 1 ectopic

All of that under the “Unexplained” moniker though our IVFs had hinted that maybe maybe PCOS was an issue and my acupuncturist had hinted my symptoms sounded like Endometriosis. (Which I also thought I had, but no lap was done.) The only other thing wrong was I had low positive anticardiolipins but docs didn’t want to give me anything other than baby aspirin. I also had the “not so bad” MTHFR. (And I produced poop tons of eggs/ follicles at IVF but very few were good quality.)

Then we stopped and went ahead with Domestic adoption, where we adopted our daughter V. Never a day of regret on that choice, it was 100% the right one.

However, in the interim since we stopped doing ART (though we never stopped TTC) about 3 years ago)… I started getting horrible pain and bleeding and irregular cycles that sent me right back to REs. (Ugh, couldn’t get a break!) Laproscopy 2 years ago revealed Endometriosis running rampant. It helped me feel better, we never prevented pregnancy but it didn’t happen. Then, this past summer, all of a sudden my period stopped showing up. And the pains came back, and my period had me sequestered to the bathroom without being able to leave. Back to a new RE as the old one shrugged and said “I don’t think your Endo. could have grown back.” Hmm? Really?

And back under the knife I went this February. And Endo. was once again rampant through my body. I was officially diagnosed with PCOS too, it was finally obvious with blood work and ultrasound. And my anticardiolipins were through the roof, so I would definitely need to be on blood thinners. I was also found to be super super Vitamin D deficient.

And now, we have decided to use this small window of time to try and use ART again for 6 months. No more IVFs. Just some IUI’s with Femara (which did lead us to pregnancy x2 in the past.) This month and next we are trying at home (rolls eyes at thought of that working.) I’m on Metoformin and baby aspirin and the right folic acid for MTHFR, and high doses of Vitamin D. If I do manage to get pregnant somehow, we will do blood thinners.

If it doesn’t work by summer, we are going to move ahead with a second domestic adoption. And we are really okay with that route (it’s just the finances that are tricky.)

Then, my Endo. will most likely grow back and then I will be faced with some other decisions down the road…

Anyways, that is the nitty gritty on my story.

I post a lot about Endometriosis and the effects on my life as it’s really difficult walking around with this chronic disease and PCOS is no picnic either. I write more about my parenting on a separate blog (also listed on ICLW.) So that trigger should be avoided for the most part.

I sometimes struggle with not knowing where I belong in this community, but I am grateful for it nonetheless.


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The future and the current

I may be getting ahead of myself here… but I do wonder about what the future brings for me, my uterus, and my Endometriosis. I could keep getting laproscopies to clear thing out.. I could try drugs that keep them at bay but have many potential scary side effects. 

I do know many people before me have gone the Hysterectomy route. But that’s no sure thing. Plenty of people still have pain afterwards too. And emotionally, I am not sure I am ready yet. 

Before I would consider a hysterectomy, I think I would like to explore excision surgery with a specialist. My current doc does excision in addition to other methods, but some excision specialists are reporting that it takes symptoms away and keeps them away. Some of the literature states symptoms return in about 40% of women after 5-6 years which are much better stats than laproscopy without excision. 

This question goes for any out there with endometriosis- how have you treated your pain and bleeding? Would you ever consider a hysterectomy?


I am not there yet, but I do wonder. Thankfully, things are still feeling okay after my lap (ovulation excluded, ouch that hurt.) But I do know eventually it will grow back and I just can’t help but wonder how long…It sucks to know your uterus is a ticking time bomb and none of the treatments are awesomesauce. (Though I do know some proponents of excision might beg to differ.) 

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Where I am emotionally…

I have had a few questions (regarding my updates yesterday) about “where I am” emotionally in all of this… and it’s interesting, but I am in a great place. I think a good marker of this is the fact that one of my best friends is pregnant, and I have had 4 (yes, FOUR! What is in the water ladies?) different IF friends (some are public/ some not) that they are having a “whoops/ unexpected” #2 pregnancy. And I feel nothing but joy and happiness for them. Truly. 


There’s something about being a mother already that has helped so much with #2. It’s just not the same feelings it was before #1. I think the only think that annoys me is that money has to play a role in family building, and that annoys me for anyone. The other thing that might annoy me is that it’s taken so long to figure out what is wrong with me. But if things didn’t go this way, i would never be V’s mom so I don’t go down that train of thought too often. What good does it do at this point?


 I think there is also something about the fact that I mourned already the passing of the opportunity for a biological child when I moved to adoption. If it happens, it happens, but my goal is to build my family- however that happens- not to give birth. The joy and happiness I have experienced through becoming a mother via adoption has been amazing. I don’t think giving birth would make it any more special or meaningful. Different, but I don’t feel like I “missed out” on something. 


So TTC again is strange. I am the one in control this time, NOT the infertility. I am telling IF, you have 6 months and I am not doing IVF and throwing tons of money at you. You are at MY mercy this time, not the other way around. And if you don’t work in 6 months, I am the one quitting you for adoption. And I won’t be disappointed to adopt, it won’t feel like a second choice. We were already planning to start an adoption this summer anyways (we are waiting until then for financial reasons and also V’s age, now that I am experiencing toddlerhood, I prefer 3 years apart!) So this feeling of control over something that felt so uncontrollable in the past… is huge. 


It’s sort of interesting to throw fate into the wind. I try and close my eyes and visualize what will happen and i really have no idea. Somebody asked me what I would prefer to happen and I truly, deep down in my heart, have no preference. While I have never experienced childbirth, pregnancy does scare me a bit, I won’t lie, so I lean towards adoption anyways. My fears with adoption are more about what sort of adoptive situation we will be in and how could it compare to V’s situation. And for both, we fear losses (disrupted match/ miscarriage.) It’s not like either has an advantage there. There’s no guarantees in life, that is for sure. So really, I am allowing this one to fate. Some of the best decisions I’ve made in my life is when I didn’t decide and let fate do it instead. 

It’s great to know that one way or the other, we are headed towards completing our family. I wish it was easier, sure, but I’ve come to accept- for several years now- and probably not until we moved to adoption- that we won’t have an easy time of things. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be fulfilling or happy. What has been removed has been the fear of ever getting to experience parenthood, which for me personally was the worst part of it all. And also, the pain of not even knowing why we couldn’t be parents. It’s a relief to have answers and no longer be in the “unexplained infertility” group. There’s some peace in knowing. Irritation it wasn’t figured out earlier, but my irritation is mainly with doctors who blow off pelvic pain and endometriosis. But more on that later. 


For me, it feels laughable to be re-buying prenatals and supplements for egg quality. It seems like a joke. But, perhaps it’s because the joke is on the infertility this time because I know… no matter what… it won’t win this time. 


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After lap, TTC again? Really? Finally blood thinners, and more…

So much has been going on lately since I started seeing my new doctor, let’s just call him Dr. B. He does specialize in Endometriosis. He does believe in many immune illnesses (though not NK cells) and did some pretty thorough testing.

Just as a recap, here’s what we know:
– I DEFINITELY have PCOS (was a maybe before) and some ovulation issues. The majority of the time I have regular cycles and it looks like I ovulate but my eggs are probably immature or don’t actually get spit out which is why trying on our own probably never works
– My cardiovascular results were starting to get out of whack from the PCOS
– My Endometriosis grew back like wildfire from my lap exactly 2 years ago (though my last doc only lasers and he does laser, cauterization and excision depending on what he finds, which I didn’t know anything about before and now I know more and know it’s good.)
– I DEFINITELY have antiphospholipid antibodies and they are high and I would definitely need to be on Lovenox/ Heparin/ whatevs (which was a “maybe”/ borderline in the past and conservative docs were unwilling to try) if I were ever to get pregnant
– I may have Adenomyosis but it they think it’s not probable any more
– I had some fibroids which were removed
– I am deficient in Vitamin D. 6.5 years of treatment, no one bothered to check.
– MTHFR (but the ‘not bad’ type. I should choose my folic acid wisely and be on baby aspirin at minimum.)

So I met with primary care doctor and my Endometriosis doctor post lap.

The good news is that they don’t think my cardiovascular risks are that bad at all. We will watch them and I need to make sure I get Omega 3’s and exercise but not dire.

I definitely need to be on once daily baby aspirin. For the rest of my life. For my clotting disorders. If I ever get pregnant, I immediately need to be put on Heparin. And I need to be on Vitamin D supplement. And I also need to start on Metformin which should help with my weight loss and probably my cycles too. (Plus, I was on it before and if helped my egg quality immensely.)

So the Endometriosis…he said it was just everywhere very very messy. And long term, I really might be looking at hysterectomy. As its going to keep coming back. I can try with diet/ weight loss/ exercise to keep it at bay (and maybe herbs stuff) but there’s no guarantees with any of it. Even excision which people swear by with Endo., I saw some research on it and it still comes back in up to 40% of cases within 5 years and maybe more after that… and I will likely not hit menopause until close to 50 which is 15 years away.

Which leaves me with two options on how to handle my cramps/ bleeding, etc…

1) Try and get pregnant again as I am the most fertile I can possibly be after a lap. If I get pregnant it will help me feel better potentially. If I don’t, I might need another laproscopy. The added bonus is being on fertility drugs can help my cycles stay less wonky from the PCOS.

2) go on a drug to put me in menopause which is very risky given my clotting disorders and the fact I have osteoporosis in my family (it causes bone loss.)

So I think we might TTC again after all which I know, I know, is not what I truly desire or what I’ve yo yoed deciding about it before.

I am only going to do Letrazole(Femara, I did get pregnant on it… twice.) so even if I don’t get pregnant- which frankly I’m not super hopeful of- it still won’t be bad for me. Besides which we may as well do it while we wait to move ahead with adoption this summer. It doesn’t change anything there for me, it’s not one or the other. If it doesn’t work, we move on to adoption. The worst case is I end up with another lap or having to try the risky meds, which may happen regardless.

It’s just really strange but my knee jerk reaction is “they all say to me they think I can get pregnant but it doesn’t feel true.” This is the third doc who said “I honestly 100% believe you can get pregnant.” It’s just hard to believe after our history. But when they keep saying it maybe its true? He’s also the 3rd doc to say they don’t think IVF is necessary for my case. Even though the last two did miss some things, why do they all seem so convinced?

I asked “why is this any different?” And they said I’ve never been treated for EVERYTHING at the same time. I never did any IUI or IVF post lap when my uterus was clear. When I have taken ovarian drugs I did get pregnant but didn’t stay so which could have been one of three things- 1) clotting disorder for which I wasn’t being treated 2) endometriosis as it hasn’t been diagnosed back then- causing issues with implantation or 3) my PCOS was not allowing me to actually ovulate as I wasn’t on metformin/ correct meds. I’ve taken care if 1, 2, and 3 before but never at the same time. For example- my perfect IVF cycle #3 great embryos, got pregnant, ectopic- a common occurrence when you have endo that has not been cleaned out of you. Or my first pregnancy went along great until 6 weeks and then stopped and I saw what passed and it was a very normal looking embryo. Maybe that was the clotting disorder?

So in a way maybe they are right. Maybe it’s that I haven’t had anyone treat all of this stuff at the same time?

It’s just hard for me to believe… After all I’ve been through that it kind of is “bad luck” in a way. But it’s not just that, it’s docs who didn’t look hard enough either. Or scared docs who discussed me taking heparin before years ago and then decided against it.

It will be interesting to try again as I am not excited or believing in it, so I do think my stress will be lower. I think there’s a chance but not a high one. But I do think its now or never. And at worst it doesn’t work and we adopt on the same timeline we were thinking anyways. (And doing it this way costs me just copays, luckily since we are on a budget and I don’t want to take any $ away from a second adoption.)

It’s been a lot to think about and Pete and I talked a lot and are on board. I feel bad as one of the primary reasons I want it to work is cost. I just feel like I am kicked in the stomach thinking about another $25,000+ adoption. Not that it’s not worth it, believe me. But it’s just so much $ that could be used to make our lives better economically, better schools, debt free, etc. But if we must, we must. And if it were free, there would be no choice in my heart of hearts, I would go with adoption.

So wish me luck. I am keeping this all very secret. I don’t want to tell people or make it a big deal. Because it really might end up being nothing but something we try before I move on with my uterus and decide to do with it… I want to just keep it more low key this time around. Even if the unlikely pregnancy did happen, I am not sure I could bear everyone I know asking my questions about it. I am pretty chill about it actually as I feel it’s up to fate and accepted- finally- that this is all out of my control. What will be, will be. And as long as I don’t have to chose between TTC and adoption or spend tons of money, it doesn’t really seem to hurt anything. It may even help my symptoms in a weird way. It’s up to the fates to decide how a child will come to us. And unlike our first 7 years of trying, I know now that it’s not impossible to become parents even when it may feel like it.

(Ps- the stats, in a case like ours… don’t bear out on IVF being any more likely to work than IUI. On a given month, statistically IVF may be more likely to work, but if we are patient, not more likely overall. Plus any $ we would spend on an IVF would make adoption impossible. Pluss.. emotionally I just cannot do another IVF. The docs I’ve seen have felt my body reacts very poorly to IVF as they need to put me on minimal stims and get so few eggs as my body goes haywire that it may just not be worth it. My current doc thinks I don’t need it. Imagine that?)


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Lap #2 update

I survived. This will be short as I am still woozy. The intubation hurt my throat way more this time. And my scars (4) hurt more than I remember.

Well, there’s endometriosis everywhere again and will discuss at next appointment…


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